Absolute, absolute genius. I'm sure there will be sleepless nights where I struggle with not putting this in the Top 100.
[FADE IN on a closeup of Doug’s face looking down at the floor in despair as a few melodramatic piano notes are heard in the background. ZOOM OUT very slowly to show him wearing a yellow sweater and reading a copy of “Forbes” magazine.]
Announcer: This is the face of erectile dysfunction. It’s a personal and embarrassing problem. You walk around feeling like a loser. Maybe you’re gay. Maybe you’re a eunuch. Or a wuss. Maybe you’re just a goon with a limp noodle hanging between your legs.
Doug: [in disgust] All right, all right, that’s enough!
Director: Cut!
[CUT to a wider shot as the director walks up to Doug.]
Director: Um, what’s the problem, Doug?
Doug: [anxiously] Is that what the commercial’s gonna say?
Director: Well, um, we’re still trying some different, you know, versions, but I wanted you to hear it so you can play off of it.
Doug: It seems pretty harsh.
Director: Well, it’s not about you, no. It’s about the disorder and how to treat it.
Doug: All right.
Director: Okay?
Doug: I’m sorry. I overreacted.
Director: [pats his shoulder] That’s okay, it’s okay. [turns back and claps hands] All right, come on, let’s go back to one, people! Roll playback!
[CUT to closeup of an electronic slate.]
Director: All right, people! And... action!
[The slate is pulled away to reveal Doug’s pensive face again.]
Announcer: [over piano notes] This is the face of erectile dysfunction. Look at it. It’s not pretty. All hang-dog and sad. Goofy-ass ears. Who does he think he’s kidding? He might as well tuck that sad weiner of his between his thighs and start wearing a dress. You know, he’s in bars, talking all big, like, “Hey, I’m a commercial actor. My name’s Doug, and--”
Doug: Okay, come on!
Director: Cut! [walks up to him] Doug, what’s the problem? That was a great take!
Doug: The voiceover guy used my real name!
Director: What? Like Robert DeNiro never plays a character named Rob?
Doug: No, it just seems slightly personal!
Director: Doug, Doug, it’s not!
Doug: All right.
Director: Okay?
Doug: Okay.
Director: [turning back] Okay, c’mon, let’s shoot this, people! We’re gonna lose the magic hour!
Microphone Man: We’re inside!
Director: [consults a clock hanging around his neck] Yeah, right, okay, ready, people! And, action!
[CUT back to Doug’s closeup.]
Announcer: [over piano notes] This is the face of erectile dysfunction. Doug. Doug’s got a droopy old ding-dong. I’m talking, “bl-o-o-oo.” This guy couldn’t even satisfy Mrs. Roper. You don’t believe me? Ask his girlfriend Hannah.
[ENTER Hannah from the left. She stands behind Doug and addresses the camera self-concsciously.]
Hannah: Doug can’t satisfy me. He’s very delicate and frightened in bed.
Doug: Hannah, what the hell are you doing here?
Hannah: The director said you wanted me here.
Doug: [throws down magazine] Son of a BITCH!
Director: CUT!
[Losing his patience, the director stalks up to him.]
Director: Listen, Doug! Maybe I am a son of a bitch, but I heard that you were a real ACTOR. I wanted to, you know, to challenge you with reality.
Doug: [calmly] I, I AM a real actor.
Director: What?
Doug: [agitated] I AM a real actor!!
Director: [pumped] All RIGHT, then, let’s DO this, people!! [reaches out to rub Hannah’s arm] And Hannah You look great.
Hannah: [giggles in delight] Thank you.
Director: Yeah, good job. [claps hands] Let’s get playback ready, people! [sits back down in chair]
Microphone Man: Hey, uh... Director: [impatiently] What?
Microphone Man: The whole crew asked me to ask you if you could please, uh, stop calling us “people.”
Director: [stares at him] Sorry. It’s my signature. And action, PEOPLE!!
[CUT back to Doug’s closeup.]
Announcer: [over piano notes] This is the face of erectile dysfunction. His name is Doug Kimbles. He’s got big-time Nerf in his shorts. And he can’t even blame it on booze. He’s a commercial actor here in L.A., and his home phone is 1-310-555-0187.
Doug: [furious] HEY!!!
Director: [off camera] BE AN ACTOR!!!
[ENTER Hannah.]
Announcer: [over piano notes] That’s his girfriend Hannah. She’s a hot little number who likes jogging in those tight bicycle pants. Hey, Hannah, what’s the worst part about being with half a man??
Hannah: I guess it’s when... I don’t know how to say this, um... when his Jimmy-stick gets all limp like a turkey neck, and then he cries, and it’s so high-pitched, and unnatural.
Announcer: Doug? What was the most embarrassing time you ever had with a woman? And would you please state your full name and look directly into camera?
Doug: [slowly] My name is Doug Anthony Kimbles. One time... I was with Hannah at the beach--
Hannah: [in horror] Oh, no, don’t, please don’t tell this one.
Announcer: TELL IT!
[The microphone screeches and rings.]
Doug: It was the afternoon, and we snuck off behind a lifeguard tower, and...
[Doug gasps once and starts crying in a high-pitched, unnatural voice. Hannah sobs in agony over his shoulder.]
Doug: [sobbing] I couldn’t do it! And when I pulled away, there were about thirty people watching!
Hannah: [clasps his shoulder] Oh, no-oo-ooo!
Doug: They all started laughing, and then I just ran down the beach with my pants around my ankles, it was awful!
Announcer: [over piano notes] This must be really hard for YOU, Hannah.
Hannah: It is!
Announcer: I’m guessing you’re a Scorpio. Am I right?
Hannah: [crying] I’m a Taurus, but that was close!
Announcer: Hey: what say we hit a potato bar and then go for a drive up the coast?
Hannah: [suddenly calm] Yeah, okay. [walks off]
Doug: [shrilly] BABY!
Director: [off camera] Very good, Doug, I know that was hard. Now, roll the product ID!
Announcer: [in a huskier voice] When life’s screwed up like this, reach for a Tootsie Roll!
[SUPERIMPOSE the caption “Tootsie Roll” underneath a dancing Tootsie Roll man and play happy electronic music.]
Announcer: Tootsie Roll! It can always get you roarin’!
[HOLD on Doug looking around in consternation, then FADE to black.]
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